I don’t know that I’ve ever talked openly about anxiety, a shame since I find other peoples honesty so reassuring. Now that I’m here in the middle of nowhere in South Australia, alone, it seems silly to still consider myself as an anxious person. But I am and the more the days go by the quiter I get in social situations, I try to get the words out but I freeze and I struggle to support myself and this horrendous invisible crippling hand around my throat. It’s been a while since the sweaty palms, nervous stutters and iced over brain have attacked me so brutally but it was there yesterday.

But you know despite all of that, despite how scared I am of the presence in my body that wants nothing but discomfort for me, I still persisted in heading to the other side of the world, I still boarded by first solo flight to Bali a few weeks ago and I still came all the way here to Barmera, South Australia, with little idea of what was waiting for me and how this might all pan out, all on my own. And I have to be a little big headed and admit, I have never been so proud of myself. Even back in the days when I chose college over sixth form and staying with my friends, or when I deliberately refused to apply to universities near home so there was no temptation of safety. I’ve always tried to push passed the anxiety and build a future that I wanted for myself and despite the break downs, the panic attacks and ultimately the failures, all of it has payed off.

And I needed this little written realisation to pump myself up to go back to that hostel and talk to people like a normal human being. They probably all think I’m a little strange by this point but that’s okay because I’m doing my ultimate best. That’s all you can do out there in the big bad world. So if you’re struggling out there, if you need a nudge of encouragement, a word of advice, try and sit it out and listen to you. If there’s one thing I’m learning (albeit super slowly) its that I’m the only one who knows whats best for me, my instinct is looking out for my future and I have to have faith in it, even when it does slip up, its usually with some ulterior motive that I’ll be grateful for in the future.

Make yourself a priority, try and forgive your less shiny parts (physical and mental) and welcome them as part of you and your quirks.

Author: nikki

In a constant existential crisis, dipping me toe in everything, trying me best.

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