Rise and breathe fire, however timid the flame, a simmer even is a victory to you, gentle one…
…Today when they talked, all easy chat and arrogant air, I managed to bend my focus away from their faces and instead tuned into their words. Pretty people bare flaws too, pretty people bury self doubt beneath carefully presented layers, pretty people are not always pretty souls. The universe is at play. lies are told, I am not my features and neither are they.
Today I chatted to two very handsome men, with no stutters, fumbles or fiery cheeks. Today I made myself proud.
(I almost didn’t share this entry. It’s embarrassing to admit really but something I struggled with a lot up until recently. Attractive people used to make me feel like less of a person and that is outrageous but, sadly, not an uncommon factor in many peoples lives. I talked about this very thing with a close friend recently and had to post this because it’s so important to be honest with one another and find some kind of shared experience in it.)
23. 06. 18
You’ve been lost for so long that you begin to wonder if there really is such a thing as found. You become your monsters, your fear, your doubt. You become a shell of someone you can vaguely recall in rose tinted memory but fail to piece together as a whole image, let alone a tangible woman. It breaks you, it claims you entirely and reduces you to time blunted shards, impossible to build, untarnished, again.
On a bus again, a plane again, feeling that thrill of living again. I see Melli at the airport and this light fills my chest, I slowly ease back into that best me: reckless, young and brave. From that moment until my departure there’s a current consuming me that I should never allow myself to live without. I’ve been so severe on myself in these past months, unkind in the way I’ve allowed my happiness to rot. I promise never to be so careless again.
1 Month until home.
I can’t recall ever being vaguely excited, let alone ecstatic, about returning to Newcastle. Maybe it’s that the parents have no clue I’m headed back, or the relief of accepting the nagging urge I’ve had for months now to return to England, or maybe it’s just the ever giving gift of being on the move, of the unknown future and embarking on another great quest. But just in case, if future me is reading this, this ones for you:
You will romanticise this period in your life, you might regret the decision to leave, perhaps you’ll exaggerate the exhilarating snippets of the mediocre whole (like I know you to do so well) and god were there some wondrous moments. Worst of all, it will be the people you’ll regret leaving, forgetting that they too will have moved on, either physically or in some other inevitable development of life. Regardless, all of this will happen as you expel the awful recollection of the grittier realities. I hate to remind you of the consuming loneliness, the constant anxiety, the sense of losing yourself when that’s the one concrete thing you should always have to depend on. Instead please take this as a thank you to yourself, a reminder that home was everything you needed right now. That I’m so proud of you for admitting the problem to yourself, for being brave enough to book that flight and that it was the most perfect act of self care. I hope you’re well, that you’re happy and that our next adventure brought so much more growth and love.
This little series probably got the most attention on my blog. Of course it wasn’t all of the nitty gritty parts of my journal but it’s been an odd kind of release to publicly share some of the elements of me that I’ve been so careful to hide away for so long. This year has been a huge struggle but now I’m back home in Newcastle, England, and have been for over a month and though I’m already plotting my next escape I’m happy and hopeful in the present. There are more entries from my time in New Zealand but 10 seems an appropriate time to finish and the last entry I’ve shared is a lovely little conclusion. As with all of my decisions in life I’m grateful that this one happened, mostly because the people I met in Mount Maunganui were some of the most inspirational but also because I managed to surprise myself, again with how much I fight through the fear even when it almost cripples me. To all of those other souls out there suffering at the hands of your own head, or heart, I hope you’re aware of just how courageous you are, how impossibly brilliant it makes you to go through all you do and still get on with things, no matter how mediocre they seem.
Love and Light, N x